The Anti-Netflix Union
Ezekiel Stool Our Founder
Dear Sisters and Brothers of the Anti-Dramatic and Saltatory* Union :
Despite the COVID interruption, I want to assure you that the war against theatrical productions and dance halls continues. Members were in evidence only last week handing out our pamphlet “The Chorus Girl’s Lament “ in front of Broadway Productions of Moulin Rouge: The Musical and Spamalot. A number were also seen in the wee hours handing out “Are You Waltzing Yourself to Hell?” to dissolute pleasure seekers waiting in the freezing cold outside the Wiggle Room and Loosies in the East Village. But “Everything is NOT Coming Up Roses,” to use the tune B’way stage hog Ethel Merman must be belting out non-stop from the burning pits of the netherworld.
As most members know, for over 150 years, the A.D.S.U. has been funded by the estate of Abraham Stool, the inventor and proprietor of Stool’s Adult Gripe Water. His son Ezekiel, our founder, wrote much of the literature we use today. Sadly, because Ezekiel had a deep fear of shaving, and his voice was high pitched, “not broken,” due to a developmental defect, his father, Abraham, who was at times under the impression he was the Hebrew patriarch, and Ezekiel was a goat, sacrificed him as a burnt offering. Overcome with grief when he realized his mistake, he bequeathed his entire estate—including large herds of rams and goats– to the ADSU in perpetuity.
As recounted by Augustus Carp, Esq in his unparalleled “By Himself: the Biography of a Really Good Man, ” Stool’s Gripe Water was taken off the market in the 1910s due to the fact it contained opium and cocaine derivatives. The estate was sizeable and allowed the ADSU to promote our good work. That is, until our bookkeeper, Trixie Friganza, and her lawyer, Tony “The Nose” Goombatz, embezzled most of the funds and moved to Barbados.
But not all is lost:
I am overjoyed to report that last week, our most stalwart supporter and benefactress, Mrs. Patience Drinkwater, and her daughters –the triplets Faith, Hope, Charity, and their younger siblings Tact and Understanding –conducted a séance in which Ezekiel Stool appeared to them with stunning news and an exciting new direction.
Mrs. Patience Drinkwater
According to Mrs. Drinkwater, Ezekiel reported that after intense petitioning by the archangels, the Almighty agreed to allow cable into Paradise. After barely a glimpse of Netflix, the Supreme Being went seriously Old Testament– suffice it to say that a Noah-type flood is not off the table. He called Ezekiel into his office –the main throne area—and commanded him to have the ADSU mount an anti-Netflix campaign.
Mrs. Drinkwater, who is on the boards of the Non-Smokers League (NSL) and the Society for the Prohibition of Strong Drink (SPSD) and has written any number of award-winning pamphlets: Gentleman Or Chimney; Your Soul or a Lucky Strike; Third-Hand Smoke in Clothes Can Kill; From Beer To Bier; Pubs Or Rapist Academies? Tequila Is Mexican Revenge –to mention just the best sellers. In short, the woman is a national treasure and extremely busy. However, she has informed the ADSU that if we change the name to the Anti-Dramatic, Saltatory, and Netflix Union or the ADSNU she will devote her time and considerable fortune to the cause.
William Benson Huber, Recording Secretary
*Saltatory : Archaic N. Dancing or Leaping About