No Girls Allowed Writers Club

Since 1418 A.D.

The Effin Egg Bomb Miracle Zap Catastrophe

When Ads Work BUT Products DO NOT!

Dear Effin Enterprises A-Holes,

          I purchased your Effin Egg Bomb Miracle Zap for $19.99 (plus $18.99 Super Rush shipping and handling ) after your endless stream of ads interrupted my viewing of The Love Boat All Nite every 5 minutes for hours. Your fucking advertising works, your Effin Egg Bomb Miracle Zap  DOES  NOT.

        Four weeks later, the plastic abortion arrived. It came in a practically unopenable box, which took a hammer, chisel, and almost my right eye to unpack.  Inside a 360-page licensing agreement written in mice-type informed me that Effin Enterprises and subsidiaries are absolved from all legal responsibility for everything and anything that happens anywhere on earth in every language known to man, including Sumerian. It also says: Be aware that unauthorized use by anyone other than the purchaser may result in fines, jail terms, or seizure of property.

             All I can say about that threat is that we’ll see about that.

       Also included was an Activation Form and a glossy pamphlet Introducing Minnie the Effin Egg Bomb Miracle Zap Minion, who will Get You Started in Minutes. Really? Minutes?  

           Try all  afternoon and well into the wee hours if you’re a fucking MIT graduate in engineering!

         Please Explain how one is supposed to do this in minutes :  

Configuring the microchip in your Effin Egg Bomb Miracle Zap is simple. Just remove the base with a 3/32” Allen Wrench (available at most reputable hardware stores), and then carefully remove the casing from the Effin Egg Bomb Miracle Zap motherboard. Once there, you will find your default password, product serial number, and a 36 number and letter code which will be necessary to complete your registration online or on any smartphone with Minnie The Effin Egg Bomb Miracle Zap   Minion.

 

When You Complete Our Simple Registration,  You Will No Longer Have To Endure the Demanding Task Of Boiling Eggs On The Stove, Too Often With Heartbreaking Results

REGISTRATION

Plus, you’ll be able to receive valuable bulletins about upgrades and virus warnings. Not only that, but you’ll also be eligible for exciting mail, email, and telephone solicitations from our strategic corporate partners about your Effin Egg Bomb Miracle Zap or other stuff. It’s up to them.

     Be advised: The chat with Minny took two hours, including a long period when she insisted on my bank pin number and speaking directly to my bank manager. When I finally threatened to call the authorities, she answered, “Just Kidding.”

     You ask if I was so dissatisfied why I didn’t take advantage of the Money Back $19.99 No Questions Asked Return Policy.

     Because Effin Egg Bomb Miracle Zap A-Holes, as you are well aware, returning an EFF BOMB  requires repacking in the original box, a photo of my kitchen and all the people living in the household, PLUS  a one time charge of $50 for a label to send the bastard contrivance to some Lady BOY whorehouse in Bangkok via DHL.

       My mama didn’t raise no stupid kids!

      Whatever! The point is the fucking thing does not work,  as you can plainly see from the picture above.

        SEND ME A FULL REFUND OR ANSWER TO THE LAW

Your Reply :

In certain instances, your water supply may be tainted. For a one-time charge of only $29.99, Minnie, the Effin Egg Bomb Miracle Zap Minion will contact your local water board and ask them to supply soil samples to determine if you are living in this type of toxic environment. If so, we will be happy to supply you with Effin Springs Denaturalized Water for only $3.99 a gallon (less than a gallon of gas!) plus shipping for a twice-a-week one-year contract. Simple!

If this results in less than 100% satisfaction, try this :

It may be the eggs you purchase locally are at fault. After all, the chickens are living in dog and sheep poo-tainted soil or worse! –think about raccoon snot or squirrel jizz!  In this case,  you may be interested in cage -free organic eggs from Effin Farms for only $4.99 a dozen plus shipping and handling (eggs are packaged lovingly in bubble wrap and packed in dry ice). Can we sign you up for a 2 dozen-, a week one-year contract? If so, the problem is solved. Simple!

        I WROTE : So, let me get this straight: Effin Enterprises, makers of the world-famous Effin Egg Bomb Miracle Zap  as Seen On TV, proposes to charge me at least $1000 a year plus shipping and handling to boil eggs in some fucking thing that does not work?

Your reply

Because you are such a loyal customer we are able to help support YOUR LOCAL LITTLE LEAGUE OR SOFT BALL TEAM For ONLY $19.99 per shirt (S, M, L) 0r ONLY $29.99 per shirt for (XL, XXL, XXXL or WAMBO size) .

My one remaining wish in this life is to see you assholes in court. I’m Serious!

William Benson Huber

Contact : Ask Around Grand Central

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Stroudsburg, PA 18360

Attn; William Benson Huber

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